Hundreds of people are staring at job losses as pharmaceutical firms manufacturing and distributing Viagra and its knockoffs prepare to shut down their local operations. The pharmaceuticals are citing stiff and unfair competition from witchdoctors who seem to be the preferred option locally for ‘bedroom malfunctions’.

This is unlike other manufacturing firms whose main reasons for relocating are the unsustainable production costs such as the high cost of electricity.

A senior manufacturing official who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being bewitched revealed that their members in the ‘bedroom glitches pharmaceuticals’ sector incurred expenses that their unregulated counterparts don’t.

“The lack of a level playing ground leaves them with no choice but to move their operations,” said the official. “These witchdoctors don’t pay no taxes... and they don’t face any regulation or standard checks.”

The official also gave the example of advertising which witchdoctors are allowed to do almost for free without having to pay any fees to county governments.

“They have posters all over the place printed on cheap paper and stuck with cheap improvised glue... or just a piece of cardboard hanging up a tree with MGANGA WA NGUVU ZA KIUME or MAN POWER printed in bold...” said the senior official of the manufacturing sector lobby group.

Protective charms

The executive went on to claim that they are forced to operate in clean hygienic places while the witchdoctors do business in filthy dark places where diseases could break out anytime.

“They don’t even have seats for their clients; their ‘patients’ are forced to sit on the floor!” said the senior executive. Asked what it would take to turn around the situation the manufacturing executive had no answer.

“Maybe there’s a witchdoctor with a solution for that!” said the spokesperson. “We just have to look around...” The manufacturing lobby group official admitted that they have tried to sort out the problem by holding consultations with the national government, but they are unsure which ministry is in charge of witchcraft.

“It’s hard to tell which ministerial docket witchdoctors fall under... is it defence since one of witchcraft’s most popular products is protective charms? Is it livestock, fisheries and wildlife since animals and animal products form some of witchcraft’s most important tools of trade? Or is it foreign affairs because some of the most acclaimed witchdoctors come from a neighbouring country?” wondered the official.

As to what should be done next to save the ailing ‘bedroom glitches manufacturing sub-sector’ economic experts are divided. Some are of the opinion that the government should try as hard as possible to offer incentives that will revive the sector and assist it to stand tall again. Others are proposing the country embraces the future.

Consultation fee

“We claim to be a religious country, but honestly we fear and revere witchdoctors more than anything else,” said the spokesperson. “Witchdoctors now constitute a large enough segment of the population to easily form a union... so the way forward is to look at how it can be assisted to contribute more to the national cake... say introduce something like witchcraft tourism where tourists from all over the world can come access these services! That way we also diversify our tourism offerings!” suggested one business analyst.

If that happens, the mainstreaming of witchcraft could also see the National Hospital Insurance Fund start catering for witchdoctor consultation fees. “Let’s admit it, by treating or pretending to treat erectile dysfunction, which if left unattended could lead to serious problems like depression and other mental health problems, witchdoctors now form an integral part of our healthcare system!” observed one wag.