For World Mental Health Day, mum and blogger Mrs M describes her battle with depression whilst raising her family - and dealing with the challenges of a child with autism.
Mrs M still remembers the day she wondered if there was something underlying her son's behaviour like it was yesterday.
The mum-of-three from Cheshire had been worried it was her parenting causing her toddler son's constant tantrums and hyperactivity, and, upset, confided in the health visitor.
"I wailed at her about being such a rubbish mum and what was I doing wrong? Why isn't he more like his sisters?"
The health visitor couldn't offer any answers nor ease the anxiety of Mrs M, who tells us: "She suggested maybe I was depressed! And I think she was right."
Mrs M, 36, has combated clinical depression since her early twenties, requiring cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and medication for the first two episodes.
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Describing the triggers as "prolonged periods of stress", the third and most recent catalyst was having to watch and manage her son struggling in mainstream school.
At the age of nine, the boy she lovingly refers to as 'her little man' was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder.
His symptoms had included huge anxiety issues and difficulty expressing himself.
It came after what Mrs M describes as "five years of confusion, isolation, stress, paranoia, and, at times, absolute despair."
The proud mum speaks frankly about what has underlined mental health difficulties for BOTH her and her son: "My son is wonderful and unique and, yes, challenging.
"But if he was accepted for who he is instead of being chipped away at to fit into society's mould then maybe my life as his mum would be that little bit easier."
All too aware of other people's judgment, Mrs M has become his fiercest defender, explaining: "I felt I was the only one who really got him and I exhausted myself in the process I think."
As her son grew, the level of personal responsibility she took on mounted, as Mrs M points out:
"His capacity to cope and mask his difficulties got harder and harder for him to manage, and he would literally explode at home after a day at school, or a football match, or going to a friend’s house."
It was her son's difficulties in mainstream school which brought things to a head for both her and her son, triggering her most recent episode of depression.
"He began to spiral into a period of anxiety during Year Six that overwhelmed him. His mental health was affected and I was desperate to help him."
With a husband and two daughters to also take care of, Mrs M had to make a difficult decision: "I gave up my job as a specialist autism higher lever teaching assistant, which was traumatic as I loved it."
Partly because of the worry about what others may think, it’s been hard at times for Mrs M to admit she's needed help with her depression, which she admits is complex.
"You see, as a special needs mum it’s my job to hold the family together, although it’s not the actual living with a child with autism that is necessarily the hard part all the time.
"I get very tired sometimes, and have what I call 'foggy days', but I have a wonderful support network of family and friends around me that want to help - all I had to do was let them!
"It’s not wrong to say I need help. It’s not wrong to say I am having a bad day. It doesn’t mean I love my child any less."
Since her son's struggle in mainstream school, Mrs M has had to part home-school him while ensuring a smooth transition to a specialist school which meets his needs.
Conscious their unique home life and her own history with mental health issues may affect her daughters, Mr and Mrs M have taken measures to protect them as much as possible.
"We tend to have to do a lot of things as a split family - me with the girls while Dad takes my son, and vice versa.
"They have both had to have counselling."
She has also developed ways of coping for herself: "I walk, which helps me get out in the fresh air. It's my own kind of therapy."
Another coping strategy has been her blog, 'A Slice of Autism' which was started in May and has since attracted over 7000 visitors - and a lot of praise.
"I think it’s so hard to feel normal and accepted in this life, whoever you are. But writing has made me realise that ‘normal’ is whatever makes us tick.
"'Normal' is whatever we love to do, whatever we enjoy and whatever helps us get through the day.
"My normal is having a wonderfully crazy family, I love writing and I live with depression! That's it, that's me.
"I hope others can read this and realise they’re not alone and their kind of normal is as unique as mine and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.
"In order to look after our families we need to look after ourselves that includes our mental health too."
