You have been with your partner forever, or so it seems; and your relationship has been fairly solid. However, despite all the signs that you should be hitched by now, your partner has not popped the question.

While some couples are content being in long-term relationships without formalising them, there are others where one partner, usually the woman, desires to walk down the aisle and sticks around hoping that it will happen, without knowing the if or when.

According to Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi, two years should be enough to date and get married. “Within one year, you should know much of what there is to know about your partner, and within the second year, there should be a proposal and

possibly, a wedding,” he says. Interestingly, though, you may not get a proposal if you have not nudged your man to pop the question. Apparently, a man will only move the relationship from the dating phase if you let him know that it is time.

However, Tammy Nelson, the author of The New Monogamy, observes that a time frame should not be your main concern. “There is no ‘normal’ time frame. Partners may have an implicit expectation of the length of an engagement, based on their family, their culture, and their community. This can be different for each partner and may lead to intense misunderstandings,” she says.

LENGTHY DATING, SHORT MARRIAGE

In any case, though, couples who’ve been dating for years may finally decide to get married, only for them to divorce almost immediately.

According to Ariel Meadow Stallings, the author of Offbeat Bride, such marriages are often dependent on the expectations each partner has in the transition from a long-term committed relationship to a formal marriage.

“For some people, the expectation is that nothing will change other than wearing of rings, while for other people, the expectation will be a change in everything from personal interactions to family relations,” she says.

And although the quick solution might be to talk it out, Stallings says couples often aren’t aware of these expectations. “It’s quite hard to put a finger on what a marriage will mean for you or quantify and articulate your expectations.”

Subsequently, many often prefer to go along with the flow of dating, proposal, wedding and marriage. Nakuru-based family therapist Susan Gacheru says that length doesn’t matter; it is possible to have a happy union regardless of how long you have been dating. She points out, though, that your relationship will lack purpose if you have been dating blindly and hoping that he will one day pop the question.

“The nature of your relationship should be clear to both of you in order to avoid unmet expectations,” she says. For instance, a relationship where one party isn’t keen on marriage and the other is dreaming of it may not last long, even if they finally get married.