I am 44 years old and I suffer from schizoaffective disorder. This is a term that describes a combination of schizophrenia and a mood disorder.

For me, the mood disorder is depression. I was diagnosed in 2001, after I was taken to hospital following a suicide attempt. I remember lying on a hospital bed, a psychiatrist trying to comfort me, telling me that I would be alright if I faithfully took my medicines. 

At the time, I did not understand what the condition was, though I could tell that it was major, due to the attention the psychiatrist was giving me.

“You will respond to medicine,” the psychiatrist encouraged me again. 

I looked at her, and without the remotest understanding of what she was talking about, asked her if I would be able to work. She enthusiastically nodded, and said yes, I would be able to work, but after treatment. From then on, I began to live my life as a schizophrenic with depression, and yes, I work; I am self-employed, which works best for me because I can control my workload - medication sometimes affects my productivity.

I was born a second child in a very dysfunctional family. I was extremely shy and sensitive, character flaws I suspect emanated from the relationship I had with my parents. To begin with, they expected too much from me, yet they did not guide me or show me how to fulfil their expectations. Home was an environment of frustration and pain, and as would be expected, I reacted by withdrawing into myself.

As you can imagine, I was a quiet and reserved child who was afraid to speak up or even go out to play with other children, especially at school.

I remember from an early age experiencing a keen sense of shame. My mother neglected us, and as young as six years, we were expected to cook for ourselves, wash our clothes, and generally take care of ourselves. My siblings and I went to the best school in the district, where my father taught. Going to a school that drew the elite in the area became a source of shame for me, because I didn’t feel like I belonged; I felt like a fraud. 

DETERMINED UNHAPPINESS

I was a bright pupil, but I would spend most of my time in class day dreaming, often about how my life would change. I often fantasised that one day I would wake up and find my parents loving and kind and caring. Above all, I hoped that I would become the perfect child they expected me to be. I also fantasised that I would wake up one day and find that my parents were very wealthy, wealthy enough to hire help to help us with the excessive work we were always given. Not that we were poor, but I thought more money would solve the problems I had at home.

I was quite disappointed when I found myself in Class Eight, yet nothing had changed in the home front; in fact, it was getting worse. The years had drifted by slowly in primary school and my fantasies had come to nothing. I was very tense throughout my final year in primary school. I started praying that I would go to a really good high school with a swimming pool and good amenities so that I could forget the misery of living at home.

Unfortunately for me, the stress in my final year got the better of me and I fell asleep while doing my English paper during the Kenya Certificate of Primary Education, (KCPE) examinations. As a result, I did not complete my paper, and this inevitably affected my grades. I did not make it to a national school as I had hoped I would.

Again, I was afflicted by a horrible sense of disappointment. I was very unhappy throughout my four years in high school. I changed schools in Form One, but the new school I went to was just better performing and cleaner, not the school I had dreamt of going to. Obviously, I was looking for something that only I could visualise.

By this time, I had realised that nothing would change at home, but I never stopped hoping that I would change and become a different person, an outgoing, social person like the girls in drama club.

I kept this hope alive throughout high school, but nothing came of it. As I packed my belongings and walked out of the gate, this time for good, I was quite disillusioned, and I prayed desperately that I would make it to a public university and be less stressed. Part of my prayer was answered because I performed well enough to make it to the University of Nairobi. I was elated, and as I waited to join, I even managed to get a job, something that buoyed my spirits.

My first year at university was blissful. I got a room in the main campus, which was a vibrant happy place to be. During my second year, some of us, including me, were sent to the Chiromo campus, which I found to be lonely. Within a short time, I was back to my old unhappy and insecure self, and I found myself wishing again to become a different person, just praying that I would wake up one day and find a solution to the pain that continually tore at my heart. Unlike many of my peers, I did not have a boyfriend. Not that boys did not approach me mind you, they did, but I drove them away.

There is this young man who pursued me with determination, yet I treated him badly. I would miss him so much especially during the holidays, yet when we reopened, I would brush him off. Double mindedness was at peak in regard to this relationship, it was as if I was unconsciously determined to remain unhappy. I wanted him as badly as I did not want him. He remained single and waited for me to reach out to him even after university, but I was still fighting unseen demons, and so nothing came of this relationship.

Anyway, I kept praying that I would find myself outgoing and happy and able to participate in activities around me, but the feeling of being alone remained.

I often tried out activities that were not likely to succeed for me. For instance, I wanted to act, yet I was extremely shy and sensitive. This heightened my sense of despair. I managed to finish my university studies though, but instead of feeling a sense of satisfaction, I was very frustrated and desperate, feelings that were never far away from me.

LIFE-LONG TREATMENT

Being at home would especially bring these feelings to the fore, so you can imagine how unhappy I was to go back home. I had difficulty getting a job, and so I stayed at home for a long time. It is around this time that I started deteriorating physically. I was tired most of the time and lacked interest in almost everything around me.

By then, my father has established a primary school, and I went to teach there. After two years of trying to enjoy my job, I ran away from home and went to live with a friend. Soon after, I got a job in Industrial Area, but I was still unhappy.

It is around then that I started having hallucinations. My bosses realised all was not well with me, and they sent me on a compulsory leave, with advise to get medical attention. I had worked here for a year. Six months later, I attempted suicide, which mercifully led to diagnosis.

The diagnosis of what had been ailing me all those years helped a lot because I was not only put on medication, I also understood why I reacted the way I did. With time, the pain and frustration I experienced for the better part of my life went away.

No one told me much about my diagnosis though. For instance, I had no idea that I would probably take medicine for a long, long time. No one also discussed with me the side-effects I would have to deal with once I started taking the medication, for instance weight gain. Or the side effects of stopping medication.

I learnt this the hard way after a very traumatic ordeal of being on and off drugs for almost five years. When I felt better, I would stop taking medicine, not knowing how dangerous this was. With time, I knew better, and started to rely on my doctor to cut or up my dosage, depending on how I was fairing.

Most of the time I am on a very low dose as I have learnt to understand myself and can identify an oncoming attack, which then requires me to take medication. I’m still working on total self-awareness though, and I am now focused on resolving my trauma issues.

Relationships with the opposite sex no longer scare me, and I believe that I approach them like normal people do. Recently, I was in a relationship that showed signs of being abusive. I calmly walked out of the relationship, and I can confidently say I have no hang ups regarding that relationship.

Many women persevere abusive relationship and give excuses for remaining there yet they are unhappy. To me, walking away from that relationship was very significant and empowering because it said a lot about my self-esteem and sense of worth, attributes that eluded me for many years.

The childhood relationships which were painful for me are also now resolved. Most important, my relationship with my parents is better, and I in fact value the role they play in my life.

I have also come to terms with the fact that their actions or how they raised me was not intended to have the effect it did.

Today, I can confidently say that I am a happy person in spite of the hardships I have had to deal with in my life. I also finally became the confident person I had always sought to be.

MISUNDERSTOOD CONDITION

I think most people suffer needlessly with mental illnesses because of expecting too much, and not pacing themselves and giving themselves time to heal. 

Families of sufferers also heighten the negative situation by not taking the time to understand what makes this person behave the way he or she does, instead putting pressure on them to act in a certain way.

Families of sufferers should try and be supportive mentally, emotionally and at times even financially because they too have needs, but might not be in a position to support themselves financially. In my case, my family gives me limited support because I am very independent. They come in when I am really down and out.

There is still confusion in regard to what really ails me, with some convinced that witchcraft is to blame for this mental illness, which is still misunderstood by many.

If you suffer from what I suffer from, or from something similar, it is important to try and remain in control of your life. You can only do this by getting medical help. Once you and your doctor figure out which medication works for you, stick to the meds, and take them faithfully, even when you feel better.

Once you are in control of your mind and life, you are able to make cruicial decisions, instead of having to rely on the intervention of family, which can sometimes aggravate your relationship. This way, you will be able to lead a productive life and realise your dreams.

Would you like help but have no idea where to get it? Email -Michael Njenga: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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FACTFILE 

It can be triggered by stress

Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental health condition characterised primarily by symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations or delusions, and symptoms of a mood disorder, such as mania and depression.

Schizoaffective disorder can be managed effectively with medication and therapy: 

SYMPTOMS

•  Hallucinations, which are seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.

•  Delusions, which are false, fixed beliefs that are held regardless of contradictory evidence.

•  Disorganised thinking. A person may switch very quickly from one topic to another or provide answers that are completely unrelated.

•  Depressed mood. If a person has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder depressive type they will experience feelings of sadness, emptiness, feelings of worthlessness or other symptoms of depression.

•  Manic behaviour. If a person has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type they will experience feelings of euphoria, racing thoughts, increased risky behaviour and other symptoms of mania.  

Causes

The exact cause of schizoaffective disorder is unknown. A combination of causes may contribute to the development of schizoaffective disorder.

•  Genetics: It tends to run in families. This does not mean that if a relative has an illness, you will absolutely get it, but it does mean that there is a greater chance of you developing the illness.

•  Brain chemistry and structure: Brain function and structure may be different in ways that science is only beginning to understand. Brain scans are helping to advance research in this area.

•  Stress: Stressful events such as a death in the family, end of a marriage or loss of a job can trigger symptoms or an onset of the illness.

•  Drug use: Psychoactive drugs such as LSD have been linked to the development of schizoaffective disorder. 

Diagnosis

Schizoaffective disorder can be difficult to diagnose because it has symptoms of both schizophrenia and either depression or bipolar disorder.

There are two major types of schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type and depressive type. To be diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a person must have the following symptoms.

•  A period during which there is a major mood disorder, either depression or mania, that occurs at the same time that symptoms of schizophrenia are present.

•  Delusions or hallucinations for two or more weeks in the absence of a major mood episode.

•  Symptoms that meet criteria for a major mood episode are present for the majority of the total duration of the illness.

•  The abuse of drugs or a medication are not responsible for the symptoms. 

Treatment

Schizoaffective disorder is treated and managed in several ways:

•  Medications, including mood stabilizers, antipsychotic medications and antidepressants

•  Psychotherapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or family-focused therapy

•  Self-management strategies and education

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