Back in the 1990s, divorce was so rare, you hardly knew anyone who had gone through it. There were many dysfunctional marriages, yes, but that did not necessitate divorce.

The 2000s came and things started to change. When marriages became dysfunctional, separations became all too common. But we still clung to tradition, which frowned upon divorcees, especially women. This blackmailed them into staying in abusive marriages.

Now, in the second decade of the 21st century, I am meeting many young women, mostly in their mid-30s, who are ‘happily divorced’ (many cite irreconcilable differences, a phrase hitherto associated with Hollywood divorces). When I press further, the women tell me that the men used to beat them and they could not stand that, and therefore walked away, which is a good thing. I wish more women walked from abusive marriages.

Millennials seem not programmed for marriage. By the fifth year of marriage, you find couples so bored of each they even anticipate poisoning their spouses. It makes one wonder how our parents survived 40 years of marriage. Our mothers in particular had the patience, even though their economic situation played a part in making them stay. But they lived in relative happiness to see us into adulthood.

But now things have changed. That women are making their own money is both a good and bad thing. Money warps the thinking of women, and often pushes them to misplaced priorities. Every day, we encounter women who love money so much, they can as well marry the cash. They will never sacrifice to build their families.

Of course there are still a few who make money but still believe in the old family values, and can sacrifice to see their children grow. Blessed is the man who gets such a woman.

I have also noticed that both men and women of my generation have no social discipline that can hold a marriage intact. I meet 33-year-olds who can shame teenagers in their priorities. I have seen 35-year-old women puking in parking lots in Westlands and Hurlingham.

If you are a married woman, staying out after 9pm in the name of drinking means you are a joker. If you are a man and you can’t make it home by 11pm, you are not being serious. If you have children,  you should share a meal with them at least five times a week, talk to them and show them love and attention. When we fail these simple tests, our relationships will suffer and divorce is a likely outcome.

The painful fact of life is that if you don’t afford your spouse time and attention, someone else will. And if you cheat, you will be caught soon, and that will put your family in jeopardy.

The sad fact about infidelity is that very few family ever recover from its effects. Increasingly, I am meeting many women who can’t forgive cheating men. They will either revenge to hurt him, or simply walk. Forgiving and ignoring simply because the man is providing doesn’t seem to work anymore.

Another reason why divorce has become such a popular option is that we are increasingly shunning the Church. Gone are the days when at the very least, the wife and kids went to church and prayed for the souls of their lost husbands. Nowadays, we have less time for church. We go out on Fridays and Saturdays and whatever little time we have on weekends, we like going to those chama meetings, football matches, or the salon. Yet, one cannot overemphasize the role the Church plays in our lives.

There is the little problem of men of my generation who simply can’t man up. I believe that men must always be in charge. At a time when women are bagging masters degrees, shattering glassy ceilings, and making wonderful investments, we have to man up and work harder.

When a woman makes more than a man, that relationship is endangered. So, as long as men give up on education, investments and generally being serious in life, women will find no use for deadbeats in the house. And so, it is divorce, pap!

@nyanchwani

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