When Purity Karimi walked down the aisle in 2012, she never imagined that the personality differences between her and her husband would cause their marriage to end in separation.

“He was a hardworking senior computer programmer, and a respectful man. He cared about me and I really felt that he loved me. However, he was too introverted while I am an extrovert,” she says.

After getting hitched, Purity says that her husband became increasingly cold towards her female friends. “He began to quip that they liked to have too much fun when they were already wives and mothers. Soon, he followed this by saying that he was afraid I would become like them. Eventually, he began to make me feel guilty whenever I wanted to go out with them,” says the 36-year-old marketing executive.

In a bid to try and change her husband’s perspective, Purity began to invite him to her cocktail parties. But he wouldn’t budge.

“After work, all he wanted to do was sink in the couch and watch documentaries or lock himself up in the bedroom and sleep. He was irredeemably boring.” Gradually, their small personality differences grew into disrespect, lack of communication and contempt.

“Our interest for each other waned, and I began to feel as though I didn’t love him.” That she began to attract new suitors – some of whom she liked – whenever she went out didn’t make things easier for her marriage.

IRRITABLE DIFFERENCES

In June 2013, a year and half later, Purity and her husband separated

While many would expect heavy issues such as unfaithfulness to be the real trigger for a divorce, and view Purity’s reasons as too mundane to end a marriage, her union is not the only good one that has gone down this path.

In fact, according to Dr Chris Hart, a psychologist based in Nairobi, it is not the obvious things that normally cause couples to go their separate ways.

“Issues like infidelity, conflicts with in-laws and money will cause serious problems that may last for months, but generally, they can get – and they do get – fixed,” he says. Instead, it is the small problems you will have difficulty pointing out that grow into mountains.

“They gradually grow until such a point when you feel like you just don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. You lose trust, wonder if you still love each other, and your fights become endless.”

Similar findings are reflected in a comprehensive research study carried out by Co-operative Legal Services, UK.

According to this study conducted less than two years ago, unreasonable behaviours in marriage will most likely result in divorce. These unreasonable behaviours will entail unsociable characteristics in a husband, secret tampering with family savings, and blame games.

This study looked at over five million UK divorce cases beginning in the 1970s. Further the research points out that couples today will be half as likely to say cheating was their ultimate cause of marital breakdown.

This is in contrast to only 28 per cent of couples who would have cited irritable behaviours and differences as the cause of their divorce in the 1970s.

According to Dr Hart, the problems that will drive a good marriage towards divorce will likely start with “the inevitable differences in your personal backgrounds, values, beliefs, and personalities.”

He singles out arguing as one of the paths that will quickly lead to divorce. Nonetheless, not all arguing is bad for your relationships. In fact, quarreling in relationships is one of the pointers that your union is secure.

MUTUAL RESPECT

“However, once moaning about your spouse’s behaviour turns into an attack on their personality, then you are on a free fall. The more your fights become personal, your criticism becomes contempt, full of mockery and name calling,” says Dr Hart.

No one will stand this in the long run. His sentiments are echoed by Dr Elayne Savage, author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to be a Couple. Says she, “One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. But when one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected, and condescended on, your marriage has become toxic. You’re no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending.”

One of the best ways you can secure your marriage is to mature emotionally. Dr Hart observes that the more emotionally mature you are, the more your marriage will grow. “Successful couples will always be more grown-up than failing couples.

As your maturity increases, your spouse gets happier, prompting them to increase their own emotional maturity in order to reciprocate it,” says Dr Hart.

He adds that you should learn to let trivial things in your union go. “Do some of your spouse’s habits drive you crazy? Do you row over things that boil down to differences in your beliefs? Let such things go. You can only control you.”

Purity, who is still single, concurs: “Had we matured enough to respect our own different personalities and seen how they could add value to our love life, we wouldn’t have had the sort of breakup we had,” she says.

When quarrelling becomes a regular part of your union, Dr Hart advices that you learn how to prevent your arguments from turning into contempt. “Listen or speak without being judgmental or defensive, and let your spouse know that you understand them and are trying to see problems from their point of view,” he says.