My mother, understandably, did not approve of the decision of my wife to go back to her father, but my wife became rude to my mother and eventually they stopped talking altogether.

After a while, however, I landed another job and started taking care of my son by sending his mother money for his upkeep. I also tried to convince my wife to come back home, but she said she had started another relationship with another man, and I no longer fit in her life.

After about a year, she changed her mind and came back to live with me. Six months down the road, however, I lost my job again, and she in turn lost her nuts. To feed and clothe the family, I relied on casual jobs in construction sites, and every time I went home she would call me names, saying I was worthless and not man enough since I could barely take care of my own family.

Sometimes she got physical, beating me up and inviting me to dare lift an arm against her. Because I knew what she wanted (to label me a good-for-nothing wife beater who belonged in jail), I soaked it all in without as much as a whimper.

Lady luck smiled upon her and she got a job even as I struggled to feed the family. That steady income, that was better than mine, made her abuse of me even worse. And then she stopped doing any domestic chores like cooking, claiming our roles were now reversed. Unable to take the abuse and mental torture, I walked out.

To supplement her earnings, she started working in local bars and night clubs. At about the same time, I sought visitation of my child, but she refused me the rights and the local authorities couldn’t help.

After a year, I secured another job and, as usual, started sending my wife money to for her upkeep and that of our son. Twenty months later, she moved in with me, promising to stay.

Well, she lied, because, as I write to you, she is not living with me any more. She packed her bags and ferried away everything I owned after I lost my job again. It feels like a cycle, and it has taken a toll on me. I have nothing to show for my struggles after all these years. My house is empty, my wife gone, and I can’t see my son no matter how much I miss him.

Sometimes I feel like committing suicide, because this life does not seem worth the struggle. I’m at the end of my tether; please help me! I’m on my knees!

Dominic Gichuki

Gichuki,

I empathise with you and all you have been through. This reads like dramatic novella, but the events you have been through, the back and forth, have definitely caused a lot of pain and stress to you. Let me encourage you in three issues: first, God has blessed you with life, and this life is to be lived out by faith, one day at a time. Taking your life will only be a relief from the presence of the issues you face now, but will not give you peace of heart, particularly if you believe in the afterlife. Your life and that of your child should be appreciated. And that child needs a father.

Second, nothing comes easily. Life is tough, whether you are married or not. We have to basically fight through life and face the issues that afflict us in the process positively. I suggest that you deal with your heavy heart and allow peace to flood your life.

I agree, losing a job, combined with a dysfunctional home, does not make things easier. However, there is no mountain we cannot climb. If you allow anxiety and fear to fail you, then you will not face the mountains in your life.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

The fact that you have been able to get a job on three or so occasions after losing it shows your desire to make things work. It also shows that you are employable. Do not give up!

Another important issue, other than dealing with your inner anxieties and fears, is to allow the challenges you face mature you and the way you handle issues. I don’t think allowing things to accumulate in your heart is the best way to deal with them. You have faced abuse, rejection, and joblessness, and these are eating into your self-esteem.

I also see a lack of proper conflict management in you relationship. That is why these painful issues are not maturing you, but making you bitter. This bitterness and the myriad of unresolved issues must be faced and dealt with. This will help develop a sober and happier you. Therefore, seek our a counsellor or mentor you can meet one-on-one and discuss these issues. This will be good therapy for you. As a man, you need to start believing in yourself again.

Finally, I really do not know what drives your wife to do what she does since I have not interacted with her. As such, I can only suggest that you both create time before this counsellor to share your frustrations. She needs to work on her value system and what really drives her to live life this way. Money is not the only thing in life, both of you must learn to work as a team and be content in whatever stage in life God allows you to pass through.

She cannot love you for the money and support, and not love you when circumstances change. She has to see you as a human being, as a man who goes through agony and pain when he loses a job. No one in their right mind plans to become unemployed.

Take time and count the blessings you have received, including your life, your child, and the fact that although you have lost some jobs, you were able also to get employment later. As a result, knowing that this season you are in will soon pass will add faith and confidence in you to face life in a more positive way.

All the best, Mr Gichuki!