Sexual starvation, sexual fraud or sexual anorexia, whatever the name it is called, refers to a couple’s lack of sexual connection. RITA OKONOBOH explores the causes and solutions to sexual malnourishment among couples

“Let us pray”
Anthony looked at his wife disbelievingly; and when he saw her get on her knees at the bedside, he burst into laughter. He leapt off the bed and made to grab her from behind when he heard, “Our father in heaven, we thank you for the gift of love making. I commit my husband and I into your hands as we begin this session…” and her words faded out of Anthony’s hearing.

Four months later, as they waited for the arrival of the marriage counsellor, Bridget could not but think to herself that this was a waste of time.

“What’s the big deal in praying before sex as my pastor advised?” she thought to herself.
For Anthony, he was at his wit’s end. He had been accused by his wife for too long of being a pagan for refusing to pray before sex, and he knew it would just be a matter of time before he began to plan a new time-table for sex with his voluptuous secretary. But he also knew that would only bring misery, as he had determined before marriage to make the best of the union. So, what better words could he use to explain that the prayer only made the sex miserable? He and his wife ended up doing nothing for weeks.

A Mapo customary court sitting in Ibadan, Oyo State, during the week, dissolved the four year-old marriage between Tajudeen Olalekan and his wife, Modinat, over sexual starvation, the Nigerian Tribune reported recently.
Olalekan had, in his petition, told the court that his wife had over a period of time subjected him to sexual starvation. “Anytime I proposed love making to Modinat, she shunned me as if I was not entitled to it. Despite my being down to earth with her in love, I am now heartbroken, frustrated and completely disillusioned by her attitude.”

Our reporter, also reported that an Ado-Ekiti Customary Court recently dissolved the 26-year-old marriage between Kayode Oguntuase and his wife, Felicia, over sexual starvation and sundry acts. In her response, Felicia said she denied the petitioner sex on grounds of ill-health. Court President, Joseph Ogunsemi, dissolved the union, saying the marriage had broken down irretrievably as the two parties failed to avail themselves of the opportunity given to settle the dispute amicably.

Sexual starvation is not an uncommon feature in many marriages, for reasons ranging from long distance relationships, stress, religious intolerance, forced unions, to incompatibility, among others. For many couples, it becomes harder when they refuse to see it as a problem, especially if they are not in agreement. In spite of religious inclinations or cultural leanings, ‘sexual fraud,’ ‘sluggishness’ or ‘disinterestedness,’ as the situation is referred to in various quarters, experts agree that it can be addressed between married couples who are willing to make the effort.

Getting back on track
As a renowned relationships expert, Michele Weiner-Davis points out, “A husband’s indifference to sex probably has nothing to do with how attractive you are or how much he loves you. He may have a personal issue, such as depression or stress, that’s sapping his sexual desire. Or the culprit could be a physical problem — such as illness, obesity, or trouble maintaining an erection (just to name a few). Finally, many men lose interest in sex for the same reason many women do: unresolved feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt that make the idea of making love not very appealing.”

Getting back on track
Marriage Counsellor and Resident Pastor at The Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM), Kwara State, Pastor Muyiwa Hajoh, in an interview with Sunday Tribune, shares some recommendations for couples to deal with sexual starvation.
According to him, “Communication is very important, we have sexual communication, social communication, mental communication and psychological communication. Everything mentioned has to do with communication; even when a man and a woman make love to each other, it is also known as communication.

Many women are unhappy because there is lack of communication and when this is the case between husband and wife, they will not enjoy their sexual union. It can lead to a situation where one of them enjoys the sex while the other does not. Some families face different challenges not because of lack of money or other things but lack of sexual communication. Couples should always carry each other along in their sexual life.”

‘Exercise, proper nutrition, preparation also help’
Continuing, Hajoh noted that improper nutrition and lack of exercises can lead to lack of communication between couples. Various reasons, he said, can lead to sexual starvation, including unhealthy statures, which may put off the man or woman. He advised couples to engage in physical exercise so that they can be fit and also improve their sexual communication. In fact, he said, they should exercise together as much as possible, adding that there are four things that will make or mar a marriage – sex, money, in-laws and communication.

He added: “Another way to avoid starvation is for couples to reduce the emotional baggage from work, personal stress and other troubling issues; and not let them affect the communication between them. Couples should also know how to prepare themselves for sex. The husband should try in assisting his wife in some house chores so as to reduce the stress for the woman and even encourage intimacy. In a healthy marriage, sex should occur a minimum of three times in a week and maximum of four times in a week.”

It can affect children psychologically —Ustaz Adeyemi
An Islamic cleric, Ustaz Mikaheel Adeyemi, in an interaction with Sunday Tribune, recommended that “Couples should sit down and renegotiate. If the couple begin to make work-related excuses, the marriage will eventually fall apart. The best thing is for couples to reason out how they intend to manage the situation when the case is that they have to live apart.

“It doesn’t matter how much money the couple has. Even Islam supports a man always seeing his wife, which gives him joy. Sexual starvation also has a way of affecting the children. Seeing that sex helps to oil the wheels of marriage, when there is distorted communication between a couple, which is usually as a result of sexual starvation, they would not be in agreement even regarding what is best for the children, and this usually has long-term psychological effect on the children.”

‘Seventy-five to eighty-five per cent of marital issues are sex related’
Dr Tolulope Oko-Igaire, sex therapist, relationship and marriage counsellor, and family life coach, notes that according to research, 75 to 85 per cent of marital issues are sex related.
According to her, “sex is a powerful tool in marriage, and it is more than just a physical exercise; it is highly spiritual. It is important to know that fighting and nagging are completely different from communicating. When it comes to sexual issues, understanding how to present issues is very important especially for women. Sometimes, you need to ask your spouse how or where he or she wants you to touch and how things should be done and this can go a long way in improving a marriage.”

Dr Oko-Igaire also advocates compromise. In her view, men can compromise by helping their wives with house chores to reduce stress and also helps a woman feel loved and appreciated, and will make her happy and willing to reciprocate the gestures too. All these are preambles to a great sex life. Continuing, she observes that “the couple has to constantly compromise to make each other happy. When you make the satisfaction of your partner a priority, you will discover that you can hardly fight about sex. Compromising to please a spouse should be a form of habit. This simply means, getting your wife/husband sexually satisfied becomes your topmost priority.”

She also advocates tackling unresolved issues once and for all, else, it will generate other problems, in fact, bigger ones. “The couple should be willing to discuss their feelings regarding their sex life and find ways to fix it. When you find the root of the problem, working on it becomes easier, and if you finding it difficult, find a way to talk to a professional marriage counselor or sex therapist. You can’t separate your sex life from your marriage; you need to have a working marriage to enjoy great sex.”

Diet for managing sexual starvation
Sexuality counsellor, Ian Kerner, in his book, 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, Kerner recommends maintaining eye contact during love making; mixing it up; sharing and exploring fantasies and evoking the senses.

“It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when you’re in a long-term relationship. And as you take the next step with your partner — and the next, and the next — new and greater responsibilities pile on (house, baby, etc.) and, gradually, sex ends up at the bottom of your list of priorities. Suddenly, and without warning, you realise that you haven’t had sex in weeks, or maybe even months! But with a healthy diet of sex, taken from all four of the sex groups, it’s easy to once again enjoy the pleasures of a home-cooked (make that a bed-cooked) meal,” he observed.